Strait is the Gate

"Strait is the Gate" by Andre Gide

"The summer of that year was splendid. The whole world seemed steeped in azure. Our fervour triumped over evil - over death; the shades gave way before us. Every morning, I was awakened by joy; I rose at dawn and sprang to meet the coming day.... When I dream of that time, it comes back to me all fresh with dew"

The Maid's Request

The Maid's Request, by Michèle Desbordes

"It is a simple story, possessed of the same quiet dignity as its two main protagonists – the maid and the elderly Leonardo Da Vinci. He is in France supervising the work of some of his pupils. Not a great deal happens. He helps his pupils, she cleans the house and prepares meals. Her son visits for a month, a donkey dies, she goes to her village for her son’s funeral. But mainly they spend their time in quiet contemplation of each other. Watching and waiting, both aware of age, its implications and their comparative closeness to the hereafter. Skillfully, Michele Desbordes draws you in, and builds up the tension by virtue of the anticipation of the maid’s request of the title. Yet, when it happens, it is unexpected and surprising. All of this is framed by wonderfully descriptive narrative, compellingly written. You will want to read this book again and again"

With The Flow - II

Finally the day had come to an end, under a lowering sky, he had had to trudge his way through the gusts of wind, splashing along in fondants of mud of sorbets of snow,, towards his lodgings and his restaurant; and lo and behold, to add insult to injury, dinner was aweful and the wine tasted like ink.

His feet frozen, squeezed into ankle boots that had started to warp in the deluge and the puddles, his cranium white-hot under the gas burner hissing over his head, he had hardly touched his food, and even now his bad luck refused to let go of him; his fire falterd, his lamp grew sooty, his tobacco was damp and kept going out, staining the cigarette-paper with a stream of yellow juice.

He was overcame by an immense sense of discouragement; the emptiness of his prison-like existence became evident, and, as he poked at the fire, Folantin, learning forward in his armchair, his foreead resting on the ledge of the fireplace, started to look back over the via dolorosa of his forty years, halting in despair as he came to each station of cross.

With The Flow

"With the Flow" by Joris-Karl Huysmans

"A Vau-l'eau" - Published in 1882.

An account of the experience of the vast majority of humankind. A precise account of the life of quiet desperation. "You have to let yourself go with the flow; Schopenhauer is right," he told himself.

Finally he resigns himself to being unable to affect his own life in any way: 'as he made his way back to his lodgings, he took in at a glance the desolate horizon of his life; he realised the futility of changing direction, the sterility of all enthusiasm and all effort. All efforts are inevitably doomed to failure. Boredom conquers all.

Kokoro

Loneliness, is this what men fear the most? I guess not. What in the world does men fear the most? Death?? Nah, Suffering? Unhappiness? Illnesses? Maybe.

Reading a book by Natsume Soseki. It's entitiled "Kokoro". The protagonist alienates himself from people around him because of his past. Sounds familiar, eh? Haha......You know who you are, coz you are the only one reading this blog!

Have not been writing in this blog for almost a month. Dunno what the future holds. Life is tiring, everything seems bleak. The total world population is about 6.2billion. Each and everyone of us has our own story. So there are 6.2 billion stories on this earth! How many tales are happy ones? I guess there are more sadness on this earth as compared with happiness! When I observe people around me everyday, I always think that they are unhappy. Looking at the expressions on their faces, how many people out there are truly happy??????? Well, I guess happiness is in the mind. .............Hey, what about other living things on this earth? Even a cat, a dog, or a gecko, or even a tree, has its own life story! SO there are MORE than 6.2 billion tales on this earth! How amazing! Scriptwriters for movies, authors, newspapers columnists will be kept real busy!

September ~ December

Autumn has arrived. It's time of the year again. I always love the month of September. Just have a strange affinity to this month, not sure why. I guess the main reason lies in my own imagination of leaves turning red and yellow, painting the town red/yellow; and myraids of yellow/red leaves falling off from the trees. So beautiful. It's also a cooling month, neither hot nor cold, and puts one in a soothing mood. But soon, Fall will be over and winter will come again. The four seasons is pretty much similar to the various moods in life. Happiness = Spring, Anger = Summer, "Moodless" = Fall, Sadness = Winter

Time flies. Another year is almost over. Christmas is coming again. Don't know how Christmas will be spent......

Anyways, not in the mood to write now.......

What is life?

I am feeling down again. Don't know why. Nothing seems to perk me up these days, except reading. Is my mood the main reason why I bury myself in books these days? Am I doing this coz am afraid of falling deep into 'feeling down'?

I constantly ask myself this question these days "What is the meaning of life?" Of course, in Buddhism, meaning of life is about being happy. But how? It seems to me that there's more sadness than happiness in this world. Who is truly happy? The holy Dalai Lama? Children? I remember when I was in Sec 3, some of my girlfriends commented that they were troubled. At that tender age of 15, why would anyone be troubled? I was thinking to myself then, what was troubling them? And what are 'troubles'? I was totally vexed.

Maybe I am daydreaming too much. Maybe life is just about doing the routine everyday. Being responsible for studies if you are a student, being responsible for your work if you are working, being a responsible parent if you are one, etc, etc. Life is about indulging in your daily activities; work and earn as much money as possible to ensure a good and comfortable life for ya loved ones. But is that really the kind of life that I want to have? Why can't I do the things that I wanna do? Am I not being practical?

Troubles, troubles go away
You are not making my day
Am I dreaming
With my whims and fancies
To escape
The harsh reality
Of this society?

O Little Fairy! O Little Fairy!
How I dream to be like you, never in a flurry!
Running around in the woods
And never get the boot
What a Life! What a Life!
A Life with no lies!
How I envy you, Little Fairy
Envy your sweet and happy Life!

What am I doing here?

Don't know why I am feeling so down. I always thought that I am a very optimistic person, and that nothing will ever make me give up. But I think I am losing it......My eyes have the tendency to shut down even when I am jogging.....and am feeling listless and restless all the time.

In the past, nothing could make my days unhappy or makes me feel down. But even little things that come into my way make me feel damn lousy these days. So many of these little things accumulate and they snowball to become ONE big problem. What is really bothering me? I don't have the answer.

When I started this blog, I told myself not to focus on myself; coz I don't want to be so self-centred. There's no me, myself, and Jessie...NO, not at all. But today, I just feel that I have to release my pent-up feelings inside me. What are these frustrations? What are the roots of these frustrations? Is there only one real thing that bothers me? Or is it accumulative? I am so tired, tired of everything. But is the problem so serious that I want to end my life? Answer is a definite no. I am not depressed, that's for sure. I am just feeling down. My life seems so meaningless. I am not making myself useful anywhere. I can't even seem to contribute to EP anymore. How can I help? I really do not know.

So what am I doing here? What am I doing here?

I want to conquer ranges and ranges of mountain
I want to sail thousands and thousands of miles
I want to fly day and night
Even if my wings are broken
To be where I want to be....
The place that keeps eluding me
Where are you?
Where are you?
Please make yourself more conspicuous
So that I can land safely in your hands

Junk Food & Books

Have been eating lots of junk food lately. Don't know why I have to buy junk food whenever I di grocery shopping. Guess it's just a bad habit. Well, guess I should stop munching on junk food in front of the TV........YES! I should STOP eating junk food! Damn, can't understand why I can't resist them! Ok, should make this the last round. Since today is the new start of a new week, I should tell myself not to buy anymore chips next time!!!!!!!

Just finished reading a book by a Russian author, Ivan Turgenev's (Born 1818 in Orel, Russia. Died 1883, France) "First Love". Found out from the web that "First Love" is written as "Ива́н Серге́евич Турге́нев" in Russian. This is a short story which I will never ever imagine even in my wildest imagination. I had expected the storyline to be like any other first loves, but the story turned out to be quite surprising. To book lovers out there, this is another short novel that you may want to pick up from your local library, or from the book store.

Looking forward to read another book by another author who was born in the beginning of the twentieth century, Ryunosuke Akutagawa. I picked up one of his short stories "Rashomon" as I was more interested in the author himself rather than the novels that he wrote. I had read that he killed himself at the age of 35.... Wanted to read his stories, just to find out what ran through his mind, or what sort of person he was.....

Anyways, I am sure I will enjoy this book. Am going to borrow more books by Ivan Turgenev and Rynosuke Akutagawa! Happy reading!

Every Leaf Has a Mouth

2 days in KL. Accomplished quite a bit in this trip. I would say it was one of the most productive trips that I have made since I joined the company. Well, I would think things will improve now that there are specific targets to work on. Won’t feel like a lost sheep anymore, I hope. On the other hand, I think I should really beef up my own activities and start working really productively. I guess I owe it to KH. It’s so weird. Life is full of contradictions. I was contemplating to throw in the towel the last few months but now with KH’s initiative, I feel indebted to him and find it hard to throw in the towel (if I need to). I am determined to work hard and help improve the situation within the next one year so that I don’t let him down. But I know it’s going to be really hard to leave if I really have to.

Bumped into TM at the airport today. What a coincidence. Hmm…looks like there are currently no opportunities available. That was the impression given….Anyways, doesn’t matter. Let nature takes its course. Life is unpredictable, so take one day at a time!

Some Things Were Overheard and Some Said it was all a Rumour

"A True Story Based on Lies" by Jennifer Clement.

A truly amazing book. Clement really captures readers' attention by writing in simple sentences and yet their meanings need to be deciphered. It's hard to put the book down once you start reading it. It's one of those 'easy to read' books; like "The Little Prince" and "Kira Kira'. I simply love this book!

"I am made of Sinew and bone.
Swords and knives do not fit inside my hands.
I cannot hold an axe"

"For there is hope of a tree, if it be cut down, that it will sprout again, and that the tender branch thereof will not cease"

Aren't these paragraphs beautifully written?

Love you, dad. Love you, mum. Always

Stupid Mistakes!

Today I did an extremely silly mistake which I do not know why I did it.

I was supposed to send the new pricelist to all representatives and to Cc certain people in the email list. However, I sent the pricelist separately to each and individual representatives, and there are a total of 10 of them! OMG! Can you imagine those recipients in the Cc list getting the same email 10 times? I didn't realise it until he called and expressed shock over this! I guess I was just getting too mechanical in everything I do. Actually, while I was doing this, I was wondering to myself: I am just a messenger, why can't he send the new pricelist to all the representatives? This is one of the reasons why I took his email so literally and mechanically. I must admit that I did NOT think through it at all before sending the emails out. Is it because I don't give a shit anymore? Or is it because I thought I was just doing a messenger's job and that's why I could not bother to think about it?

Anyways, this has taught me a lesson. Even if I feel sick and tired of all this, I still need to present myself well and do a good job; no matter how important or unimportant the work is!!!!! I promise myself that I have to put in really good effort to do something. I need to work out a plan of what I want to do, especially with the Singapore Sales office. Jesus Christ! Just can't believe that this is happening to me! It was such a stupid, stupid, stupid mistake! DAMN!

Birthdays

Singapore celebrates its 41st birthday today. Just finished watching the National Day Parade, the last to be held at the National Stadium; which will be torn down soon. This parade is one of the grandest I have ever seen. Lots of fireworks, lights, amazing mass dances, etc. Reminds me of the particular NDP when I participated in the mass dance when I was in Sec 3. That was the moment that I would never ever forget.

The only time when I see Singaporeans so cohesive is only during the National Day Parade. Or rather, this is the only time when everyone feels that they are truly equal, regardless of their social status? Every Singaporean comes together to celebrate Singapore's birthday. Everyone wears red and white, carries the same stuff from the goody bags, sings to the same national songs, dances to the same moves; with all hearts beat at one. How almighty! This is also the only time when I feel 'patriotic', when I feel that I really belong to Singapore, and each and every scene that I see on TV (that of the NDP) moves me to tears. But, once the NDP is over, do I still feel the same way? Hmm....don't think so. I feel like I am being thrown back to reality, which is to face selfisih, inconsiderate, egoistic Singaporeans. In any case, reality is always harsh. It's not fair to pinpoint only at Singaporeans, we are all human. So we can find selfish, inconsiderate, egoistic, gossipy people, and what have you everywhere you go.

I am not a perfect person as well. Human beings are infallible. For eg, I do feel insecure now that most of my job responsibilites have been re-assigned to another person. But I try not to feel insecure, I try to accept this fact with grace, without feeling empty or insecure. I tell myself that everyday I want to be a better person. I don't care what other people think, or say about me. As long as I think I am content with myself and I dont' harm others (be it through words or actions), I am happy. I don't care what others say about me, 'pretending' to be kind, selfless, being Mother Teresa, etc. Who cares anyways??? If I do care about what others say, then I am no better than the person who says things about me......

Ok, that's it for today.

Happy 41st Birthday, Singapore.

Work....boring

Lots of things on my mind today. I am in a difficult situation and I think I am on the verge of losing the current job. Not that I am incapable or lazy or whatever, but I guess this position that I am currently holding is redundant? I do not have a job scope till today; one year after joining this company. Suggested to direct report on certain things that I want to do, but it seems that his hands are tight? I have to find things to do everyday coz the fact that there's nothing to do in the office is driving me nuts. But Thank God that I always manage to find productive work to do...........So I guess I should not complain too much?

There are just too many people doing the same job, duplicating each other's work. In general, people are afraid of losing their jobs. So if certain responsibilities are taken away from them, they seek other opportunities and even go to the extent of taking another person's responsibilities. The main problem associated with this, I think, is that the job scope of individuals are not clearly defined. This leads to duplications in many areas and people working independently resulting in inefficiency in work.

Praying hard that my roles will soon be defined clearly so I won't be searching for things to do when I go into office every morning!

Send-offs

Sent my bro off to the airport this morning. Been to quite a number of send-offs my entire life, this one was no different from the previous ones. Send-offs at airport, especially if the person going away is gonna be away for work or study, are always sad. I was the protagonist once when I went to HK to work 4 years ago. I didn't feel sad at all coz maybe I was the one going away? In fact, it was pretty exciting for me coz I thought it would be a real good chance to live on my own, away from my parents and do whatever I wanna do. Indeed, it turned out to be a good experience though I was there only for a year and a half.

I believe my bro will miss his wife terribly, and vice-versa. They are newly-weds. My sister-in-law cried and all my 3 sisters followed suit. I tried to hold back my tears and managed to do so. This is part and parcel of life. Just learn how to accept it and I guess one will feel better. Imagine if it was death of someone really dear to you, wouldn't it be worse? Even if it was death of someone close, one still has to accept it and live on..........

I do pray that my bro will get used to his work there and that he will be happy with his job. My sister-in-law will join him in Suzhou in December this year. Hope they can move on with their lives and be happy.